Staying Afloat

How do you learn to swim? First, you have an instructor who teaches you the basics and physically holds your hand, sometimes acting like they are going to let go but never really following through. They want to let you try it yourself, but they are right there to grab you around the middle if you start to panic. Once you've been doing this for a while, you get antsy. You really want them to just let you go, because you are pretty confident that you can do it yourself. But deep down, you know that you still need them there, watching from a distance close enough to quickly reach you when the water starts to fill your lungs. Eventually, they send you off to go swim in the pool with the rest of the kids. You are finally free! No one is telling you what to do! Except for the lifeguards. They might yell at you when you are running too fast or blow the whistle when you and a friend are horsing around. But they are always aware of you. Now, your instructor growing up always kept their eye on you, like a hawk. The lifeguard might get distracted by someone else, but if you start to splash erratically, if you are really in trouble and crying for help, they are there. They will save you.

Do you see where I'm going with this? My little metaphor for life? Your parents or the people who raised you being the instructor and college being the pool?

So what part am I at? I'm at the post-graduation part, the part where everyone you've ever loved drives you out on a boat to the middle of the ocean and pushes you off into the deep end. The part where everyone sees if you are going to sink or swim. If you sink, and you are lucky enough, someone stuck around to watch out for you and will reach out a net to catch you. And if you swim, everyone drives away as you swim back to shore, but sometimes you might get too tired and drown before you ever see land again.

I don't feel like I'm sinking or swimming. I'm kind of just staying afloat. I took a pretty big breath before I took the dive off the plank, and all the air in my lungs is buoying me up.

But I'm running out of air much faster than anticipated. I had the top instructors. I had the most attentive lifeguards. But I think it's just me. I never wanted to learn to swim in the first place. I just wanted to spend my life sitting on the beach making sand castles.

Now I'm stuck in the middle of the ocean. Hopefully I'll get the motivation to start doing some breaststrokes soon, because this sporadic doggie-paddling isn't getting me anywhere.